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  • Two brunettes decided to drive up to Disneyland.
    When they saw a sign 'Disneyland left' they started sobbing and turned back.


    • A blonde and a brunette walking along the footpath ( sidewalk ),,
      The brunette says "look a dead bird ",,
      The blonde looks up into the sky and asks "where??"
      Last edited by Engineer; 30-05-2018, 12:19 PM.


      • In a rare congregation, the animals of the forest decided that the rabbit shall be king of all animals.

        As the second day the rabbit was proudly walking around, his path crossed that of the lion who jumped him and ate him.

        The others animals went "WTF Lion, why did you eat the one we made our King at our meeting yesterday?"

        And the lion replied: " I was sitting in the back and could´nt hear a friggin word you guys were saying".


        • Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.2nd Child: Why are you crying?
          1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
          2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
          1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
          At this, the second one started crying profusely.
          The first one was astonished.
          1st Child: Why are you crying now?
          2nd Child: I came for a urine test !


          • Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
            "Nationality" asks the immigration officer.

            "German" she replies.


            "No, just here for a few days.”


            • As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
              "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out"
              The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
              "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."


              • Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says "how about a round of golf?"

                Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie."

                Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone that he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.

                Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie, I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch."

                Stevie says" OK well tell you what. A million dollars says I win. Or are you chicken?"

                Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"

                Stevie says "any night this week."


                • ^^ Whilst he was on the way to that game Tiger's BMW started to cough and splutter so he pulled into a garage in the middle of nowhere to get it checked.
                  Cletus, the local mechanic sat down at the wheel to start it up when he noticed a couple of golf tees in the centre console and asked what they were for. Tiger explained "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving". The mechanic was absolutely astounded - "Wow, those Germans really do think of everything, don't they?!?"


                  • Guy walks in a bar and asks how much a Coca Cola costs.

                    -"5 Euros replies the bartender."
                    -"OK so one Coke please"
                    -"That´ll be 10 Euros"
                    -"But you just said 5"
                    -"5 euros for the Coke, five for the service"
                    -"Well that´s steep but OK..."

                    and the guy hands to the bartender a ten Euro bill

                    and is suprised when the bartender gives him back a five Euro bill

                    -"But you said 10 Euros? WTF here man?"

                    The bartender replies:

                    -"Yeah but I am out of Coca Cola right now."


                    • I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

                      She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".


                      • what's green and eats nuts .....


                        Confucius said .... man who masterbates with peanut butter is f*cking nuts


                        • Confucuis said,, man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger


                          • Originally posted by Engineer View Post
                            Confucuis said,, man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger
                            and pink eye


                            • Jobcentre joke is the funniest at the Edinburgh Fringe

                              "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

                              The other jokes making the top ten were:
                              • "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
                              • "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
                              • "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
                              • "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
                              • "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
                              • "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
                              • "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
                              • "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
                              • "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx


                              • It is DECK