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  • Post a retarded joke

    Original post by Gaz on long ago.

    Post any cracks you have heard lately. I dont recall any rule for the original thread... Keep them brief maybe.

  • #2
    What do Sweet Potatoes do in Jamaica?

    ...they be Yamming!

    ....I'll let myself out.


    • #3
      Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.
      He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
      He said that the term means: "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
      The host turned to speak to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe who was also on the show.
      She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.
      "Nah", he replied, "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


      • #4
        A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

        What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?
        "Get in the car."

        Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.


        • #5
          A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
          The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

          "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

          The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

          "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

          "What's it telling you now?" she asked.

          "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

          The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

          The man explains, "Damn the thing must be an hour fast."


          • #6
            A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
            into a pharmacy.
            Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
            a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
            a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
            unfolds - to reveal a condom.
            The condom has a number of patches on it.
            The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
            "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
            "Six pence" says the chemist.
            "How much for a new one?"
            "Ten pence" says the chemist.
            The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
            silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
            replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
            out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
            A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
            shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
            The Scottish soldier marches back into the
            chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
            with a grin on his face.
            "The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
            We'll have a new one."


            • #7
              My mate set me up on a blind date.
              He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know… She’s expecting a baby.”
              I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.


              • #8
                In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
                like he's driving a car.

                The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

                Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

                The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

                The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
                imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

                Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

                "Great," replied the nurse.

                The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and
                finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

                With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"

                Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


                • #9
                  A man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating."
                  The man says, "Why?"
                  The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

                  Have you heard about that movie "Constipation?"
                  It hasn't come out yet.

                  A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
                  The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
                  "Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
                  The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
                  "Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
                  The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."


                  • #10


                    'My turn: F-7.'

                    'Hit! Migrant dinghy, 700 Syrians!'

                    Never knew Battleship 2015, Mediterranean Edition could be so much fun.


                    • #11
                      Little Johnny stood before the child protective services judge. He had been beaten repeatedly by his parents, then by foster parents, then by the police. The judge said, "Johnny, is there anyone you would like to live with?" Johnny replied, "The Dallas Cowboys". The judge said, "Why the Dallas Cowboys?" Johnny replied, "They can't beat anybody".


                      • #12
                        I saw a one-legged woman with a bag that says "I'm a shoe lover."

                        I'm sorry miss, but surely you can only love shoes half as much as I do.


                        • #13
                          A man calls up his hotel's reception desk. He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's trying to jump out the window."

                          The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."

                          "Dammit man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"


                          • #14
                            Man I missed this thread, Military etiquette
                            Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
                            Soldier: Sure, buddy.
                            Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
                            Soldier: No, SIR!


                            • #15
                              ^A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

                              The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

                              The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

                              Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

                              Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."